This week's EBI was on the role of a wife in marriage. Having learnt about the role of women / wives / girls in the church and home, I had a fair idea about what the lesson would be on. I presumed that Jim Berg would get up there and say how women should be like the typical Pastor's Wife that you see all the time - who is quiet, submissive, proper, neat and tidy. For those who know me, you will know that I'm not the quiet submissive type. Far from it in fact. So whenever someone preaches about women being quiet in the church and being submissive, I always wonder about how exactly God is going to change me - a loud, boisterous and outspoken girl who can't stand it when the room is silent for too long - to a quiet, submissive and proper woman who only talks when spoken to. It's kinda crazy thinking about it. I guess I'm too rough around the edges to fit into that mould, for now anyways. I blame the fact that I have two brothers :D
But the message during EBI I found to be quite an encouragement. Although at the end of it I felt like I had a super-long journey ahead of me with a massive pile of things to change in my life, I also felt like it was something that I could achieve. Maybe it was the fact that the message was given by Jim Berg's wife, Patty, who was just so likable and who was also quite practical in her suggestions. Maybe it was because Patty Berg seemed to me like a realistic role model of a godly wife somewhat, because she wasn't what I expected her to be - yet she was what I have always thought a godly wife should be like (if that makes any sense). Or maybe it was because I have changed to be a little bit more receptive. I dunno, all I know is that the lessons I took away from the message will be ones that will really help me in the long-term (if God leads me to become a wife) to get rid of all the bad stuff and replace it with all the stuff that will help me to be the helpful support that my future husband will need and want.
To help me remember what I have learnt (and also to share with all who want to read and learn, though I do highly recommend that all the sisters who missed this lesson should go along to the Sunday Night re-run of Pre-Marital Counselling for this one as a minimum!) I am going to blog the notes...
THE ROLE OF THE WIFE
It's good to remember firstly, that relational problems can be solved by taking another look at the responsibilities as defined by the roles. Also, it's not wise to try steer your car by avoiding the ditches in the road - don't aim to not be something, aim for where you want to go and in the process, the ditches will be avoided.
The Report Card of the Wife... this is what wives will be judged by God on according to the Word.
A. Roles she was created to perform
1. Helping her husband (Gen 2:18)
2. Being a companion to her husband (Gen 2:18)
B. Roles she is commanded to perform
1. Developing unity with her husband (Gen 2:24)
2. Reverencing her husband (Eph 5:33)
3. Being in subjection to her husband (Gen 3:16, Eph 5:22, 1 Pet 3:1-6)
C. Qualities she is commended for exhibiting
1. Devoted to God (Luke 10:39, 42, Prov 31:30)
2. Virtuous (Prov 12:4, 31:10)
3. Meek (1 Pet 3:4)
4. Quiet(1 Pet 3:4)
5. Prudent (Prov 19:14, 31:26)
6. Modest (1 Tim 2:9)
7. Diligent (Prov 31:13-22, 27)
8. Generous (Prov 31:20, Luke 21:2-4, John 12:3)
9. Gracious (Prov 11:16, 31:26)
ROLES SHE WAS CREATED TO PERFORM
1. Helping her husband
Implies that...
---> You know what he is trying to do (ask him what he needs help with)
---> You are doing it his way
---> You are making his job easier than it would have been without your help. Wife should be like a helpful store clerk.
---> You have a willing spirit - no sighs, groans or complaints
---> You practice self-denial and self-sacrifice
2. Being a companion to her husband
---> Be a friend - develop the type of character that the husband wants to be around
---> Be an encourager - inspire husband to continue and give him your support(Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
---> Be a good counsellor - wives can give a different perspective that the husband may not always see. The virtuous woman opens her mouth with wisdom.
ROLES SHE IS COMMANDED TO PERFORM
1. Developing UNITY with her husband
---> Work out differences in private
---> Present likemindedness in public - especially before your children. Have a united front.
2. Reverencing her husband
---> Choose to overlook his faults. Should note that this is not condoning his sin. (Proverbs 19:11, Matt 23:24)
---> Control what you say to yourself - refuse to dwell on shortcomings, rather accentuate his good qualities
---> Control what you say to him about his flaws
Things to note about talking to your husband about his flaws...
There are 2 Biblical reasons for talking to your husband about a flaw - 2 Corinthians 6:3, You should only raise issues / flaws with him if it affects his ministry (to you, others or your children). Galatians 6:1, restoration, not blowing him away - being gentle and trying to fix the wrong.
Some suggestions for wives when talking to husbands. You must decide in advance that you can do the following before trying to talk to husband about the issue / flaw...
1. You are not bringing it up just because it bugs you or because you are angry with him - but because of one of the two biblical reasons - it affects his ministry or that you want to help him.
2. It is his decision whether he changes or not. You are lending him your perspective - he may not see the flaw.
3. If he never changes, you will be able to live with that issue / flaw for the rest of your life and BE CONTENT with it.
4. Say it once, and only once. Leave it to the Holy Spirit to repeat it to him in his heart. Don't nag (Prov 21:9).
5. You will never say it again even by non-verbal means e.g. rolling your eyes, sighing, silent treatment etc.
---> Hide his flaws from others, rather than announcing them (Prov 17:9, 11:13). Don't make fun of him in public.
---> Be his cheerleader - to him, to others (behind his back), and especially to your children. It will make them want to go on!
3. Being in subjection to her husband
---> We submit to our husband only as well as we submit to God. So important because we are an example of submission for our children. Submission is being willing to go one way or the other (Eph 5:22).
---> Submission begins at the point of disagreement. Wife can give her perspective, but giving of perspectives should never escalate to an argument because if the disagreement is still there after all perspectives are given, the wife should submit and change her view to that of the husband.
---> Trust God and obey your husband - even when he is wrong (1 Peter 3:1-6). Trust that God will intervene if the husband really messes up. Submission is ducking so that God can hit your husband (I love that quote!)
Conclusion
Proverbs 31:12
'She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life'
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