starts with p and ends with ride

Occasionally there are times where I just feel fragile. I get into this moody, emo state where I get ultra-sensitive, down-hearted and get consumed with a cloud of self-pity. Usually it doesn't take much to trigger such feelings, but small things become huge things and the depressive state begins.

I've had a bit of a think about why this happens to me and I have come to realise it is mainly because of one thing - Pride.

I have never really thought of myself as a proud person (I guess just by saying that I qualify as being proud!) - in the sense that I don't usually look down on people and think I am fantastic. But God has shown me that I am proud in other ways - I get complacent about my spiritual state because hey, at least I'm doing more than just coming to church on Sundays... or I think something that I am helping to plan is going to go really well because of all the effort I'd invested... or I feel as though I shouldn't be treated with perceived antagonism (and so many times it is perceived and not real at all) because I had done nothing to deserve it... or I believe that because I have been obedient, I should have my desires met... or I get discouraged because I had been misunderstood and that an incorrect opinion of me had been formed as a result... or I think my will should be done, and not so much God's will... I could list so many more things.

It's like I have taken the L'oreal commercial too much to heart and I just think that only good feelings should come my way 'because I'm worth it'. But no. The Bible reminds me that what I really deserve is what was given to Christ - nails through His hands and feet, a spear through His side, and suffering beyond anything I could ever imagine.

Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Blessings are what they are - blessings. They aren't deserved! They aren't owed to me! They're a pleasant bonus in life. Even if I live my whole life never feeling accepted, loved, valued, included, acknowledged, or I never have any of my desires fulfilled and instead I go through continued trials, tribulations and discouragement - I should be OK with this, because what have I done, really, to deserve otherwise? My flesh keeps telling me what I should have, but the Spirit reminds me what I truly should be given. And man, what a difference there is between the two!

God is showing me that I need to learn to humble myself, and as Amy Carmichael says, I need to die to self...

When you are forgotten, or neglected, or purposely set at naught, and you don't sting and hurt with the insult or oversight but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ, that is dying to self.

When your good is evil spoken of, when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinion ridiculed, and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient loving silence,that is dying to self.

When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment, any climate, any society, any solitude, and interruption by the will of God, that is dying to self.

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation, when you can truly love to be unknown, that is dying to self.

When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met, and honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy nor question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances, that is dying to self.

When you can receive correction and reproof from one of less stature than yourself, and humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart, that is dying to self.

He's changing me, slowly but surely. And though it is a blow to my pride to admit that I have a problem with pride, I'm thankful that I realise this now rather than later in my life!

Please God, continue to mould and shape me. Purge me of my prideful heart and replace it with true humility and confidence in You. Remind me Lord, and help me never take for granted what Jesus' went through for me because of my sin. Help me hate sin as you do. Please Lord, help my faith grow, so that I may trust in You with my whole heart - come what may. In Jesus' name, Amen.