saying the un-say-able

I often say and do things which I really wish I could make people forget. I occasionally suffer from chronic verbal diarrhoea, where the delayed realisation that I have said or done something inappropriate dawns on me and makes me subsequently wish that I had access to one of these...

Hehe do you remember the neuralyzer from Men in Black?

But I also have the opposite problem (though admittedly this is not as common) of NOT saying things that I probably should. For example, I will see someone with their fly undone and just quickly look away rather than do the kind thing and let them know. In retrospect, it would be much kinder to tell them as soon as I noticed it because it would mean that less people would see and they would subsequently save a bit more face. Not saying anything (on the other hand) until much later, will of course mean that more people will have the opportunity to see the undone fly and the person will not only feel embarrassed that their fly was undone, but they will have the compounded embarrassment of having to fix the problem with more people realising what has just happened.

Early intervention is always the best cure!

Another thing I have a problem doing is letting people know when they have done something that has offended me, caused me to stumble or be discouraged. Though I may have been quite hurt, I tend to just grin and bear the situation, and just continue to stew on it. It's a very unhealthy cycle that I have going on here and I am fully aware of it, but it is something that I know that I need to do something about. By His grace, God has shown me that to leave things unsaid is wrong, and I do believe I am making some progression with this, albeit subtle.

I think my main barrier is the fear I may come across to the person as over-sensitive (which I guess I can be at times) and a hypocrite (because yes, I admit, I would have definitely said things in the past which would have had the same effect on others - or even worse, I could have done the very same thing that was done against me to cause me to be discouraged). Letting someone know their shortcomings is a tough thing to do, but it's biblical.

Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.

I just really hope that God will help me to be able to take future wounds inflicted upon me too.

The second part of the verse is very true too - flattery is not only fake and deceitful, it can be a hinderance to spiritual growth too. By saying nice things about someone all the time and never saying anything about their weaknesses, the flattered person gets fooled into believeing that they have no cause for concern and therefore, no need to try improve. Though I love to be complemented (I mean seriously, who doesn't?), if someone is just saying nice things with no reason to do so other than mere flattery or to give you a false sense of friendship - I would rather them not say anything. I'm sure you know of someone who always says nice things to people's faces and then talks smack about them behind their back. Nobody really likes that kind of person.

In the same way, a lot of the time, people don't take criticism well (e.g. talking bad about someone who criticised them), and because this eventually becomes common knowledge, people avoid criticising them. These people end up becoming 'untouchable' but at the same time, will never really know what they could have become if they were to take on board what others say. And let's face it, that's pretty sad.

Though I can be as tough as nails on the outside, I'm often as soft as tofu on the inside. So I really hope and pray that God will show me how to give, take and apply criticism in my life.

this time next week...

... I will be at the 'Top End'. Earlier this week, my work asked if anyone was interested in making a trip up north to help out the Darwin Office with some assessments and I jumped at the opportunity. I have never been to Darwin before and the thought of a mini-holiday was very appealing. I will be a spending next week there from Tuesday to Sunday. I'm pretty excited. Not just because it's a whole new place that I have never visited, but I also think it will be a really good spiritual getaway to spend some time away from Perth, do some reading, and see some of God's awesome creation (including some trademark wet season thunderstorms and lightning). And I also get to see some crocodiles! It's gonna be great!

ode to the banana

I have learned to be patient with eating bananas. If they don't snap open, it means they need some time to open up. I've had enough waxy mouth experiences to know that it is just not worth rushing the slightly green friend of mine. Once they turn yellow, they snap open so easily, and because they have been pre-packaged, there's no need to wash before eating! The ready-to-eat contents have completed their transformation from hard, waxy naffness to soft, sweet mushiness. Full of Potassium (what you need Potassium for is beyond me), they are supposedly nutritious, but undoubtedly tasty.

However, once they turn black, they pretty much open themselves up and try to make themselves more tasty by turning up the sweetness to an unappetising level. Some would call such an attempt desperate, but amazingly, they can still be used to make a really good banana cake (and they work much better than their yellow counterparts).

All in all, the banana is an awesomely-intelligently-designed fruit - once it turns yellow.

stan, the man

This year I have been following Australian Idol on the Internet - I never seem to be able to catch the episode because I am usually out, but I play catch up on the net. This year, a young man named Stan came onto the scene with a very intriguing voice, and as the show profiled him, it became very public that he was a Christian. Throughout the show, he has been wow-ing the judges and all the celebrity guests, but tonight, he did something that I thought was very brave. He sang Amazing Grace as one of his songs! It will be interesting to see what happens if he wins the competition - whether he will sell out one day, or remain a witness and testimony in the industry (I really hope it will be the latter). But the performance tonight was fantastic. I hope he wins!

we're singing 170

Caleb taught me a song recently which I really have grown to love in the past week. It's written by Mac Lynch and is found in the Wild's We're Singing Songbook, number 170. The lyrics have been an encouragement to my heart and as such I would like to share them here.

Don't Be Afraid

Lyrics and Music by Mac Lynch

When deep water curls around you and fear replaces faith,
When the floods would seem to overwhelm God's promises of grace,
When the fires seem overtaking and all seems torn and tossed,
Trust His Word, O truly listen, hear Him say, "All is not lost."

CHORUS
Don't be afraid, don't be afraid.
I have redeemed you; you are Mine; don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid, don't be afraid.
You are a precious child to Me; don't be afraid.

I am with you thru the water, I'm with you thru the flood.
They will never overwhelm you: I have bought you with My blood.
Even though you walk thru fire, I'll go with you all the way.
I'm your Saviour, truly listen, hear Me say, these words I say:

CHORUS
Don't be afraid, don't be afraid.
I have redeemed you; you are Mine; don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid, don't be afraid.
You are a precious child to Me; don't be afraid.

I have read the Bible!

After two years, and seven months - I have read the Bible from cover to cover. I'm not sure exactly when I started reading, but that's how long I have been documenting my reading (albeit sporadically). My thoughts? Well, in a way, I am very happy that I can finally say that I have finished reading the whole Bible. I have always felt a bit sheepish as a Christian because I had not read through the whole Bible before. Though it is no sole indicator of how 'good' you are as a Christian (in God's eyes anyway), it was something that I just always felt a bit guilty about. How could I say that I believed the Bible when I hadn't even read through the whole thing?

It had also crossed my mind a few times that if I were to die and meet God, I wouldn't be able to say to Him that I had read His number one best-seller in it's entirety. Not that He would hold that against me, but it would be a bit embarrassing!

I'm also glad that it's all done, because, though I got a lot out of reading the whole Bible, at times (I am ashamed to say) it felt like a bit of a chore. While I was reading some parts of the Bible, my heart was just elsewhere and I just wished I could finish the Bible off quickly so I could go back to my favourite books and study them more instead. There were also other times that other non-Bible books were much more appealing to read because compared to the relatively 'dry' patch I was reading in the Bible, the other book offered either something more practical or entertaining and I subsequently took breaks from my reading scheme. It sounds terrible, but I must admit that is what I was feeling in my sinful heart. I really thank God that He taught me to appreciate even the 'boring' parts of the Bible as they too have valuable lessons that help me to understand who God is and how we should view Him.

But in the end, the biggest lesson I have learned from the reading the whole Bible (in conjunction with the last few months where at church and Bible Study we have been studying the Old Testament books Ezra,2 Chronicles and 2 Kings) is that perspective and context really help aid understanding of God's Word. Reading the whole Bible has given me a wider view of the Bible and all it's events. I still find it absolutely amazing how the Bible is so linked and so interconnected. It has not only made me realise how LITTLE I know about the Bible and how MUCH I have yet to learn, it has shown me in new ways how much God loves us and how constant His love is toward us - yesterday, today and forever.

I think the next step is to read through the Bible chronologically to gain an even better understanding of when stuff happened. Then dig deeper and deeper. I think the rest of my life will never be enough to study the Bible completely, but I will try my best!

lessons learnt

I shared a testimony during the Regeneration Retreat. Thought I would share it here since I typed it all out. Hope it's an encouragement to you - wherever you may be, and whatever situation you may be in...

There have been several turning points and spiritual lessons that I have learnt through the twenty or so years that I have grown up in the church. Though at times, the years were punctuated with discouraging barriers, God has taught me valuable lessons that have helped me to understand more about the God that I serve. Tonight I want to share with you a few lessons that I have learnt (or at least the ones that came to my mind while preparing this testimony). I hope they will be an encouragement to you!

Studies have shown there are significant links between strong emotion and memory, and likewise, for me the strong emotion of exclusion was one that marked my early church years. In those days, my family did a bit of church-hopping and we came to BPCWA irregularly. As a result, I never got to really know the other kids very well, and I always had the feeling that the other kids didn’t like me because I didn’t go to church as often as they did. I don’t know where that belief came from, but I remember just getting an unfriendly vibe from them. I had no sense of belonging and therefore church was a complete drag. I went to church because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I didn’t want to stay there any longer than I had to and I looked forward each week to the time where my parents would say it was time to go home. Essentially, the feeling of exclusion and the longing to belong was where my fear of man would grow from over the next few years.

From Sunday School, my idea of “service” was more to man than it was to God. I learnt my memory verses because I knew that Aunty such and such would ask me for it – don’t ask me what it actually meant, as long as I could remember it as the car turned the corner onto Ullapool Road, I didn’t care too much about what it actually said. I knew it was right to give offering, but my main motivation was because I knew the other kids had a tendency to gossip about kids that didn’t give offering and of course I didn’t want to be the object of their gossip. During Junior Worship, the other kids would giggle and snigger as other kids sang out of tune or in the wrong key, and as a result, I was so afraid to sing out of tune, that I would mouth the words to the songs instead of sing them out loud (Sometimes I still have to remind myself these days that I am singing for God and even if I sing out of tune, He still enjoys it!).

As time passed, I eventually got to know the ‘core’ group of kids better and through spending more time with them, I learnt how to ‘play church’. I learnt how to do and say all the right things. I would hear some of them make judgmental comments about others and make mental notes to myself not to do what that other person had just done. Learn your memory verses, come to church every week, sing in tune, put a coin in the offering bag every week. I had it all under control.

I think it was during my teenage years that I realised the hold that the fear of man had on me. It had affected my friendships, my sense of self, my testimony, my service to and even my relationship with God. Though I knew that God’s love for me was unconditional, I never realised that my understanding of His love for me was diminished by my fear of man. It was through an audio sermon on Proverbs 29:25 (The fear of man bringeth a snare: but whoso putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe.) that I realised how much I feared man and in comparison, how little I feared God.

By God’s grace, at about the same time, God started putting people in my life who were great examples of people who really loved God and who had a genuine relationship with God. I could see it in the way they worshiped, prayed, and talked about God. They didn’t care about what other people thought, they were more concerned with what God thought. I really thank God for bringing these people into my life because it helped me realise that a deeper relationship with God is what I lacked, and I subsequently started to desire this more and more. I started getting more involved in Church. I started evangelising, leading care groups, doing Bible study, reading more Christian books, attending prayer meeting, having true fellowship with brothers and sisters, teaching Sunday School and really delighting myself in the Lord. The more involved I got with things I never thought I could get involved with, the more I realised how the fear of man really brought a snare in my life. Service was enjoyable and I wanted so much for others to get involved more in church too. Most of all, I actually started ENJOYING church! And I even sought out more opportunities to spend time with people in church too. Gone were the days of bugging my parents to take me home from church, now they started saying stuff about how much time I was spending in church!

Though it sounds all very happy and joyful, I should also mention that discouragement came on a regular basis. A few years ago, there was a period of discouragement that knocked the joy out of my service to God. I think at the time, I had just started work, and for various reasons, priorities changed and my world became a darker place. I still kept serving, but the whole time I felt like a massive hypocrite because I knew that my “spirituality” on the outside was a farce. I stopped singing in church because it felt wrong to sing when I was feeling the way I did. I still fellowshipped with other believers, but I was more interested in talking about things in the world than the things of God. Eventually, people started to notice and became concerned for me. I remember one time in particular that two sisters said to me ‘Hey, we’re praying for you OK’ and though I graciously accepted their kindness at the time, I was saying to myself how dare you say you will pray for me. That’s the kind of heart I had at the time – it wasn’t pretty. I knew it, but I think I was just too proud to do anything about it.

However, God heard their prayers and anyone else’s who were praying for me. Not long after that incident, God prompted me to do something that would impact me significantly. After having a bit of a pity party about how much I had allowed myself to change, I wrote a list of all the things I had done against God – all the things I had thought, said and done in the past few months that have angered and upset Him. And then I wrote a list of all the ways that He had responded to me. As I realised the gap between my list of terrible things, and His list of undeserved grace, love and forgiveness toward me, I repented and he truly brought me back to Him. I had a bit of a cry, I thanked God for His perseverance toward me, and I returned to serve Him – this time with a renewed heart full of gratitude and with the knowledge that the God that I serve is One who will always love me and will continue to change me into the woman He wants me to be – He is after all the author and finisher of my faith.

I guess from all of this it has taught me that the more we know who God is, and the extent of His love toward us, the more we will serve Him with all of our heart. He doesn’t deserve any less, but at the same time, when we serve Him with all of our heart, we will experience true blessings from Him and more of His grace to help us to do even greater things for Him. I hope what I have shared was an encouragement to you. May we all continue to serve God with our whole heart and encourage each other to do the same!